Convoluted

Sometimes, when I give myself too much time to think about things, I can drive myself crazy with guilt. I like to think I am a changed person, and evolved person, but that’s one thing about me that hasn’t changed. It’s distressing and…annoying.

I was shopping with with Su today when I ran into a friend from high school at the shoe store. It was nice catching up with her. She was telling me that she took a year off from her studies and will be going back to school in the fall. When she asked me how my first year went, I told her it kicked my butt, but I was able to pull through. She said lack of motivation in something specific – like math – was something that could affect her greatly in her pursuits. I went on to tell her who you surround yourself with is a huge part of the success. If they are at least half motivated, it will motivate you too.

And I feel bad. I know the girls she hangs out with had a rough time and image some time during high school, and I just really hope she didn’t read that as me judging her friends. I really wasn’t! Because I’ve had the chance to at least be acquainted with these girls in high school to know that they have grown, and it is a beautiful thing for them to have once trusted me to tell me this. I was never too involved with them before, so who they were before never really bothered. I only knew them personally as the smart, capable young ladies who were ready to tackle whatever came at them, together or alone, and who have left their troubles in high school behind. Besides, it wasn’t so much them who caused them trouble, but rather the people surrounding them at the time…

But I told my old friend this because of my own experiences. I attended a university only three people of my year attend now. That meant sacrificing a lot that came easy with high school, like seeing my ‘true’ best friends every day. No doubt, my best friends and I can survive a lot, but I have met people at my university with whom I’ve formed quite a wonderful bond. And because of them, I wasn’t alone, and I was motivated to succeed. Because of them, I learned who you surround yourself with, and how you affect each other, is super important.

I think my friend is a smart, capable woman, and that she has surrounded herself with smart, capable women.

It isn’t at all for me to tell who people surround themselves with. But I do observe. And I will say that there is something reassuring when other people recognize what you have. Perhaps it’s just me? In any case, I wish I could have slipped in something like, “You have C and you have ML? You’ve got good people with you.”

I am overthinking my words and their implications, maybe. Overanalysing a casual conversation. I believe words have their weight, whatever the context, but I wish I didn’t anchor each of mine.

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