Stray Thought 0225

There is, in the farthest corner of my memory, the recollection of complete betrayal, humiliation and isolation. And it comes at the hands of my family.

Among its members, one of the eldest cousins, Pol, is known to be a jokester, to me, intimidating in his stature, as he is very tall, and fit, and his successes in acadmics, sports and career. He is a well-rounded guy, witty, sharp-tongued, admired by us cousins younger than him. The others always did say that growing up, You don’t know this, T, but growing up, Pol was a real dick. And they would laugh as they recounted that time Pol was so mean, my brother just bit him. 

I was in elementary school making daily trips to grandmama’s after class, when Pol, who didn’t do this very often, came to visit grandmama. So it was Pol, and me, and my sister and K.E. and Raf, and we were recounting stories and laughing when I said, giggling, The others told me when you were younger, you were a dick.

But nobody laughed. The three young ones turned their blank gazes toward me, and Pol glared, mouth set, eyes dead, and it was quiet. Don’t you remember? I asked the others, who were there when we shared stories over a game of President, and I was made the asshole, the loser, the dork, and I crawled away to let the kids play with the cool cousin, while I became the alien.

Pol said good bye to me when he left, though I never rejoined them. We hugged and I don’t think I apologized. 

I have never felt comfortable in Pol’s presence, burdened by the guilt and the resentment of that singular moment. When I visited the city up North, to where he moved, and he asked me why I didn’t visit, I didn’t tell him any of this, and I didn’t feel bad about it for long.

I think about this moment a lot.

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I picked up my diary earlier and read the last few sentences of the last entry I had written, which was way back (‘way back’ – snorts at myself) in October 2015. It ended like so, written three times (spaced out to make it more dramatic):

I resent her.

(I want to use all the fancy features of blog postings. Excuse my dramatic tendencies.)

You may or may not know, but the last thing I had posted on my blog pertained to some very dark feelings, about a friend, a dear friend, who contemplated many dark things as well.

I would like to clarify that I do not resent her…anymore lol. I have moved past that and have started talking to her again as of mid-January or end-January. (I was lazy more than anything else to start talking to her sooner…) It was my decision to ask for space and I am very glad to have had the time to get my head out of my ass and the time to heal. =)

I was really angsty in 2015! Such a teenager, ahaha. It was often the reason I found myself writing in my diary or on my blog – to vent, mostly. I have no particular reason to do so tonight! I simply felt I should Something about being crap at writing fiction, but I should write somethingHencefoth. Thus – here I am, ahaha.

Next semester, I should take a fiction-writing class. I am so scared to think about it. People will be reading the deepest parts of me through are for academic purposes…Though at least I will have E!

(E is a new friend I made in school. There is probably much to tell you about my life at university, my first year quickly coming to its end, the friends I have made, the assignments I am currently pushing off even though they are due tomorrow…But summarizing the last 6~7 months is a bit…;^^)

In any case! I think I will leave to write something short until my cousin calls me. That, and work on the physics project in the meantime – and there is nothing i regret more than taking that class.

Lies.

I have many regrets. :p (I do not dwell on them too much.)

Until next time!

– t

P.S: I have had my diary for nearly 4 years now, and it is scary to think I can go back through my thoughts. Sometimes, I am embarrassed (of how I used to be? Of how much I haven’t changed as well, perhaps. lol…)